Since you've been gone.. a lot has happened. a lot of things changed. when you were around i used to be a better person and try be better so i could help you. to try prove a point that life is worth living and that you can make of it what you want.. your th only person i gave up on. well stopped trying to help. your girlfriend forced us not to talk but if you still wanted to you should have known i was always there.. i dont think i ever told you that enough. i guess you have a lot of explaining to do when i meet you up there.. sometime soon and i have some explaining to do as well so ill tell you in this. my nana, my grandads, jamie and especially you.. left.. and i had no one to turn to. you guys were all th people i talked to about how i was feeling and what was going on.. but your all gone and ill never get you guys back. i pushed away people who cared about me and tried to help because i was scared that they would hurt me as well.. like Megan, Nate, my mum, my dad, my brother even my step mum.. im getting hard out into pot and drinking and all its doing is making me forget my problems for a night.. not solving anything. i miss my dad and the talks we used to have about life and how he relied on me for alot of things.. i was all his and he was all mine.. now that's gone.. your gone sam.. i guess i never really told you or anyone this but i was falling in love with you and i dont know why but i was. you were perfect and you threw your whole life out the window.. suicide wasn't the way to go sam you left us all behind.. i used to sing the song girlfriend by Avril Lavigne and say one day when im drunk i would sing it to you but i never got the chance ha.. theres one memory i will NEVER forget.. you putting me on your shoulders and carrying me around karori park and kissing me on the top of that hill.. you didnt care who was watching.. you told me your whole life story on the grass and you held my hand then i was worried about you and you kissed me and said everything would be okay.. but sam it wasnt and i knew it wouldnt be.. but instead of following my heart i followed my head so i didnt get smashed and i would rather have the shit beaten out of me anyday to still have you around.. i dont remember ever talking about anyone more than i talked about you.. there was a point when i couldnt last a day without talking about you.. and all that crosses my mind everyday is how i didnt help you and try do something.. i know if i had made contact with you this wouldnt have happened.. i know it deep down.. but no one understands.. except for you.. Sam i miss you and i never moved on when me and nate first went out i still liked caleb.. the second time i still liked you and got with someone else.. now im with matt and im.. falling again.. for him.. i dont usually spill my heart and soul out to anyone but i guess this is the only way i feel like i can connect to you.. Fcuk i hate my life without you.. i dont want to live without you.. you were my everything and i really miss you. i cant even be public about it on facebook without your girlfriends mates hastling me.. Samuel Patrick Ryan.. you touched my life and my heart, i will never forget you.. you mean the world to alot of people including me and i cant wait till i see you up there.. i have a feeling it will be sooner than we both think <3